Going It Blind

Dear God, can you send me another owner's manual, please? I seem to have misplaced mine.

     Here I am, shuffling through the files of my life; some of them arranged alphabetically and some chronologically. It's all there, except for my personal owner's manual, and if I can't figure me out, who will?

     Realizing it's not where it should be is almost as debilitating as needing it in the first place. It's a funny thing that after all of these years of going it “blind”, I have a sudden need to understand me.

     I am a little O.C.D. when it comes to manuals, reading them from cover to cover like a John Steinbeck novel. Not to suggest, by any measure, that mine would be a classic read, an artistically crafted work of literature. It would cover the fundamentals: a description of the location and operation of my controls, descriptions of the maintenance I require, and specifications of fluids and part numbers that may eventually need replacement.

     My search for the manual was triggered by the realization that my memory is lagging of late. Memory has never been my strong suit, a bit of a manufacturer defect, in my opinion. So, of course, I cling ardently to the little I was equipped with, knowing full well that any further depletion of this non-renewable resource could leave me floundering. Surely, the manual would have some troubleshooting for that.

     Like any good manual, it includes the following:

1. Safety Instructions. Some for the primary user – myself: “Explosive, keep away from frustration centers,” “Don't leave unattended for extended periods of time” (especially the thought patterns).
   Some for my husband and kids: “Caution – gets overheated with excessive (ab)use.”
2. Set-up Instructions. “Install unit in a quiet, warm climate with access to plenty of creature comforts. Operates optimally near a library of books, a laptop with a word processor, soft music and a wine cellar.”
3. Programming Instructions. “Unit comes pre-programmed but has numerous buttons and controls for further programming. Unit has a built-in “kill” button when outside programming hits “overload”.
4. Maintenance Instructions. “Depending on the age of the unit or the stage of hormonal development, maintenance is on-going.” (See next 500 pages).
5. Troubleshooting. “Since your unit is a female, troubleshooting is tricky at the best of times.” (See next 1000 pages).
6. Warranty. “Given the delicate nature of this unit, there is no warranty included.”

     And so, my manual continues to elude me; lost, like so many other things I've misplaced over the years. Misplaced keys, misplaced cell phones, misplaced time, misplaced trust and even misplaced intentions. So, if you spot me wandering aimlessly the streets of Whoville, please bring me home. I seem to have misplace something...and I can't remember what.